2010, Jody Whatley "Looking forward"

In the Spirit of the New Year, Jody Whatley asks an interesting series of questions on her blog:

Having said that memories and looking back are also important. What did you learn about yourself? Did you achieve what you wanted? Did you make better decisions for yourself, adjusting your sails when you needed to? Memories do serve us, they can be a litmus test for good things if you use them well as a reminder of what we did wrong and what we got right. Memories can also make us smile or sharpen our focus and improve as people.

What did I learn about myself? I learned what sort of things triggered negative thoughts in my life, I learned to recognize these events in near real time, and developed a tool kit that allows me to counter depressive events, negative trains of thought with good, uplifting positive thoughts. Something so strong and uplifting, like the opening notes of a song that can make me straighten out my shoulders, lift my chin up to look at the world straight in the eye with a smile that says I am wiser, smarter, and I'm going to have that beautiful life. And I am not going to feel guilty about loving myself.

Did you achieve what you wanted? No, but never the less I achieved things of great value . I didn't buy a house, marry, start a family, start a business, become financially independent. In fact these dreams I had as a younger man became lost in the mud of life and my epiphany this summer cleared the waters, so that I can work to reclaim my dreams. And have new dreams. It took 8 months, but I found a new job where I can make a little bit more money, just enough to give me the room I need to lay claim to my dreams, just enough room to go back to my creative roots, my dancing, being a musician, being a singer, my acting, my writing.

Did you make better decisions for yourself, adjusting your sails when you needed to? Oh man, this whole experience has been more than an adjustment of my sails, I put up a new mast and all new canvass on this baby, and now shes fast sleek and a lot more maneuverable. I have a business plan for my life, I learned how and why I would sabotage myself, and yes, I'm making better decisions for myself.

Memories do serve us, they can be a litmus test for good things if you use them well as a reminder of what we did wrong and what we got right. I have a memory. About an ex-girlfriend, "the one that got away", she could make love with her soul, in the middle of a dance floor surrounded by 100 people she could touch my hair above my ear with her fingers, look deep into my eyes and simply take us away to a private cosmic place, like another universe that was just ours. I didn't know a woman could do that. My mind thought it should be possible, but my heart and soul had no clue.

I experienced that true pure love one time, I want it again, I know its real. And now I have the emotional foundation nesessary to attract the woman/soulmate I want, and the financial foundation is soon to be.


I know, I can, I will, full-fill, my dreams. :-).

I just read the most incredible Myspace profile.

I cried. This person had something terrible happen to them in 2009, and they poured their heart out to Myspace. So I wrote this person a letter:

Dear XXXXX,

I'm a single guy a little bit older than you. I've never been married, no kids, probably can't have any anyway. I've been stuck in a rut for quite a few years, I've lived a dead end life for a while. The last 5 years I have embarked on a project of self improvement. Well this summer I had an epiphany. I learned so much about myself so fast it was scary ( At 1st I had no idea what or what was going on). I learned to not feel guilty about loving myself, bad self esteem went out the window, I learned what was triggering depressive episodes in me, how to spot the triggers in real time and figured out how to reverse their effects, dumped 51 years of emotional baggage all in 6 weeks. I'm not the person I use to be.

I guess I'm a late bloomer.
SO I decided to start a blog about my experience, and I've been pouring my heart out. Its been cathartic, cleansing, empowering, invigorating. My firend Ehrick told me my new blog was quite bold, riske. And then I read your blurb on Myspace. I am stunned. You're bold, pouring your heart out like that to whoever.

Heres my first blog entry

http://loveandrenewal.blogspot.com/2009/10/story-of-personal-renewal.html

And this one explains a bit more

http://loveandrenewal.blogspot.com/2009/10/ive-been-stuck-in-rut-living-my-own.html

I'm not sure what happened to you, I don't need to know either, but after reading your blurb I really wanted to reach out to you and say hi.

Roger Fox

Dear stranger, I know from what you've written you're very brave.

My love for myself has taken over....... my life.

On September 15th, 2009 in mid epiphany, not sure if I was going crazy, not knowing if I could hold on to who I was, I started to realized I was in the middle of a good thing, I didn't know what it was, but it was good, the crazy waves of emotional joy and trauma started to slow in frequency and intensity. So I called my Mom. I tried to tell her what I was going thru, and you know what, she understood what was happening to me more than I could have hoped for.

A few days later we talked again, I told her I had learned about depressive triggers, things I did, or let be done to me, that in essence turned my spirit towards depression, and how I had learned to see these triggers much quicker and earlier. My Mom told me of a conversation she had over 40 years ago with a marriage councilor, that went something like this: when you start to feel like your getting down you need to play some uplifting music, music that compells you to dance. For my Mom that was Latin music ( I remember my Mom played Mariachi music ), she told me that I needed to do something like that. I told her I already was! (KTUFM, 103.5 & 97.7 in NYC metro area play some great dance music, freestyle, house, remixes and mashups)


Its now Christmas Eve, I really have my gift for this year, my freedom. Freedom from being depressed, freedom from sabotaging myself because of poor self esteem, freedom from not feeling guilty that I love myself. Let me tell you, the second half of my life is going to be a real Pissah........

I wish you could see me now, I have this great big smile on my face because I know that love has taken over :-).

I know, I can, I will, fulfill my dreams

Sometimes I feel the need for some hi energy music and empowering and self affirmational lyrics.

It's a difficult world and you have to prove
That you're ready and you can do it

And when I feel that desire to be uplifted, when I want feel compelled to raise my arms over my head, move my hips and dance with all that I am, one of the best songs ever is Living Joys, "Dont Stop Moving". Sung by Tameka Starr (Doris Diggs), this song always cranks me up to Warp 9, give it a listen, your Dilithium Crystals will never feel better, lol!




I truly wish I had more of this ingredient in my soul when I was a younger man, but theres no time for regrets, no place for blame, theres no time to waste in the second half of my life, I've got to get it right.......

Oh yeah

Oh yeah...

You've got to

Oh yeah

Oh yeah...

You've got to get it right



You can do anything that you want to do

With your mind body and soul

Do it, prove it to yourself and say

I want (I want)

I will (I will)

I can do anything

It's a difficult world and you have to prove

That you're ready and you can do it

Nothing in this world can stop you

I know I can I will forfill my dreams



Don't stop movin'

Keep it up

Keep on movin' get it right

Yeah you've got to get it right

Oh yeah oh

Don't stop movin'

I it's your life

Keep on movin' get it right

Yeah you've got to get it right



You can be mystical magical

Physically phenomenal

Good to go

Not slow

Feel the heat and let it flow





You've got to get it right

I know these things are real.

Mujer latina son las más bellas del mundo Me considero una persona muy alegre. La edad de un hombre de la apertura de la puerta del coche de su fecha, y teniendo en su mano cuando sale no es una época pasada. Como ya someterse a una renovación personal, recuperar mis sueños, el papel de los dados del romance, en medio de la peor crisis económica en 70 años sigo siendo impulsado a diario en mi búsqueda del amor verdadero, puro.

Some disparate points:
This summer I started a period of renewal for me. I believe in love at first sight, it happened to me once, though it took me 4 dates to realize it, :-). I was raised by a single mom and I only want the kind of 50/50 emotional relationship she ultimately found and still enjoys to this day. I want that higher level of communication, where phrases, and body language can mean whole paragraphs, and that results in no arguing. I want to find a woman who has a beautiful heart & soul, a soul that has a pleasant flavor.

I've had these things before, I know they are real. All this, a great smile, incredible eyes, hips & legs will start a fire in my mind body and soul.

Getting over that old flame

I hadn't really thought about Michele much over the years, but the summer of my epiphany brought back much in the way of memories, desires, blame and regrets. I wondered when it would end, and this week it started to fade. The bad news is the girl I experienced pure true blue love with, willingly walked into an abusive relationship, years later divorced and looks to be dating a man built like her father, who taught her that abusive behavior is love, in the first place.

That is not the beautiful girl I knew. Its real hard to desire her, as gorgeous as she looks at 48 years old.

Today I spent the whole day thing about this girls profile at match.com, 49 years old, shes from Long Island, my old stomping grounds, but 40 miles from Montclair NJ. But now I'll have to pay for a membership, just so I can send her a message.

A song of renewal by Kim Sozzi

Former Mynt singer and solo artist Kim Sozzi has a strong hit on the dance charts. Sozzi shows her song writing chops with a touch of melancholy in her lyrics reminiscent of the of Everything But The Girl's "The Desert Miss The Rain", but Sozzi starts at a darker place before the story of renewal unfolds:

All that time alone made me go insane
Wasn't hard to see i had lost control

After reliving every traumatic emotional experience in my life, over and over, during the summer of 2009, I wasn't sure I was sane during this process, I couldn't control it, it was just triggered and the process flowed thru me, cleaning out 2 decades+ of emotional baggage in just 6 weeks. Every old girl friend finally started to become a ghost, every dirty trick my father pulled on me became faded.

Holdin on to pain made it hard to breathe
Couldnt get away from my memories

I realized my memories of my first pure true love Michele had held me back from ever achieving that same higher level relationship with another woman. And the best way to put those memories in their place is to make some new memories:

Then you wiped my tears with your soothing touch and you flew my past away

Sozzi describes how a "touch" took her memories away, I'm taking this as good advice, no regrets, no more blaming me or others, just me, a new man moving forward with a good emotional base

Wanna leave the past behind..

Kim Sozzi will be performing at the Empty Bottle Saloon in Middletown New York on October 16th, 2009.

An acoustic version of When Love takes over

Kelly Rowland performs an acoustic version of "When Love Takes Over" at the Biz Sessions for The Sun UK.

Recorded 15th June 2009 in London, UK



While over at KellyRowland.net....

A story of personal renewal

I am a new man, during my 51st summer I learned to love myself. Kelly Rowland's song "When love takes over' is now my song, her song has become my anthem about beating that little boy with bad self esteem. I threw him under the bus, hopped in the bus and pulled K-turns over him until he was paste, his ghost still haunts me, but only rarely.

Love has taken over my life, love for myself. I'm smiling a lot more. As Kelly sings, I wonder if it shows.

It’s complicated, it always is
that’s just the way it goes
Feels like I’ve waited so long for this
I wonder if it shows?

This blog will chronicle my efforts at personal renewal in the middle of the worst economic period in a hundred years, as I at 51 years old, with a crap job, no home, no future, no wife, no girlfriend, no home I own, no dreams, work to reclaim all of these things.




Now I'm going to have that beautiful life that I should have had. And I 'm going to be dancing the whole way To all you single girls, I learned my lesson, I shoulda put a ring on it.